The log is smoldering
My body all sweaty
My heartbeat’s racing
My eyes bloodshot
Crackling noises blaze within my brain
Silence howls in my ears…
I know this voice.
I think I may as well…
I want to cry and do nothing else; for everything I’ve lost and everything I’ve achieved… Or want to cry for my nonentity; for I am able to accept it… To cry for the fact that I do not want to give it up and I never will… I want to cry for I have realised that life itself is actually made of 4 letters: N O N E !.. I’m not able to describe it with words… Even though I sense there is more to everything; to cry for the fact that I want to continue stubbornly till the bitter end… I want to cry because I’m mad that I still strive to designate certain absurdities. For I have gotten through one more barrier, for I’ve become sully, and I cry cause there’s no turning back once I’ve integrated with my body and my mind. I can’t return to innocence unless I’ve become sully… The more I diverge from innocence as we know it, the more I get closer to be innocent; or maybe I’ll discover that the innocence is indeed nonentity, yet I’ll discover that the innocence that we know is no innocence but is a delusion, which means there’s no way for me to express myself no matter how much I strive with the words, thus I want to cry. On the other hand, as innocence and nonentity can never coexist; I cry for the sake of recreating my inner self, my mind, my body, the words and everything.
I’m not the woman I was yesterday, but still a part of me resists giving up on all the stupidity, heroic deceptions, the assignments and the impositions and therefore I want to cry… I now know that I can’t be tempted by the baits proposed to me so as to something or nothing. Sentimentality (excluding sensitivity) is either stupidity or a mean of escaping; and I want to cry for I know wisdom can never be described
with words… I want to cry as the forts of my body and my mind are being razed one by one. I’m not afraid anymore, yet cry as I’m afraid of losing my innocence like I’ve never been afraid before. I know that I’m not able to comprehend as nonentity can not coexist with fear, and I’m having the hardest time to express this, for I live unified with my body and my mind.
I have to get rid of every meaning that has been taught to me. If I could, I surely would forget all the meanings imposed on the words, seal my ears, and would try to redefine them from what I feel. All significant words are stripped from all their meanings with bearishly, and make me want to create a language of my own. To build the meanings in my mind and try to force my body to obey them is the way I was taught, and what if I did the opposite, and let my mind give meaning all the words according to what I feel within my body… I am only what I feel inside. Maybe to undress from all of them, from everything one by one, and reunite with absurdity… Maybe its nonentity and absurdity that are the only things that makes sense… I grew tired of all the words; I’m seeking the migration route to absurdity…
Meltem Arıkan is a Turkish novelist and playwright. Her fourth novel Yeter Tenimi Acıtmayın (Stop Hurting My Flesh) was banned in early 2004 by the Committee to Protect the Minors from Obscene Publications, with the accusation of "Writing about the non-existing incest fact in Turkey, attempting to disturb the Turkish family order with a feminist approach.” The ban was lifted after two months and Arıkan has been awarded with “Freedom of Idea and Statement Prize 2004” by the Turkish Publishers’ Association. She published her 9th novel in 2009.
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