Meltem Arikan
Typography

Coming face to face with her pain…quickly she closed her eyes and wanted to be comforted by the warmth of the hatred. just few steps ahead revenge was awaiting. hatred, revenge and fury were all buckled down to prevent her from building walls between herself and her pain… 

 

 

When woman opened her eyes she hated everything. She hated the misty air that darkened her room, the scared sun hiding behind the clouds, the cold weather that prevented her from getting out of bed and her mobile phone next to her…

When she opened her eyes she hated everything…

You are actually tired behind the soothing mask of hatred…

Silent arms could only wrap you up, perhaps…

you could cry in sobs…

your hatred could fall to pieces…

the fragility of your hatred…

you don’t want to hear it, do you?

“The strongest love born out of hatred.”, “you are in love thats why you hate this much.” she wanted to believe all these cliches. Wanting to believe, taking refuge in believing but she couldn’t, as her hatred didn’t allow it. Coming face to face with her pain…quickly she closed her eyes and wanted to be comforted by the warmth of the hatred. just few steps ahead revenge was awaiting. hatred, revenge and fury were all buckled down to prevent her from building walls between herself and her pain… 

Deepening the crack within you day by day…

ignoring all your wounds that do not form any scabs… 

your potential to love that bleeds inside you…

absence of love brings about self hatred…

PANORAMA FACE

 

She pulled the duvet to cover her face. She was crying in sobs hating her self-centered mother the most  who never hugged her for once, for turning a blind eye to her father’s beatings…I hate it she shouted…hate…later her university teacher whom she admired…she wanted to kill him…hatred wasn’t enough anymore, her hatred transformed into fury and fury into desire for revenge already…the morning after that night ended up at her teacher’s house, in his bed, when her father kicked her our from the house with all her fragility, admiration, openness, desires, yearning for comfort at the age of seventeen… 

Her tears turned into screams, screams turned into rebel and her rebel turned into vomiting…she was just vomiting, even though there was nothing inside her stomach she just wanted to vomit as she couldn’t carry all that inside her anymore, she couldn’t connect with life…

 

We’ve all begun from the same loneliness…

later divided as those who faced the harshness of reality 

and those who took refuge in the warmth of virtuality… 

the more you deny the pain of reality

the more you are being withheld from love that you deserve during the most fragile times of your life….

 

Fears turned into human in flesh so much so that you are no more the child of your parents but the child of fears…

Fears brought you up, you grew up and so as your fears…

Your hungriness also grew…

To challenge the world, to own the world, to oppress everything and all your silent screams in order to hide all your hungriness…

Admit that only the children who have been truly loved could develop their ability to love…

you have been withheld from the love you unconditionally deserve…

the more you denied your pains the more hatred wrapped you….

the more you denied your pains the more hatred you felt for yourself…

 

I don’t want to remember anything. Just a little bit more to disappear, just a little bit more to destroy. To challenge all those two faced people and to do more. Pushing the limits further, bursting out everything on everyones faces…to burst out…to burst out loud…but not to be heard…knowing not to be and never to be heard…

In fact, I am doing this knowingly…for example I drink knowingly…I become drunk knowingly…I got under one man and then another, and then another knowingly…I become radical, knowingly…I sharpen my hatred knowingly…I detested the air, water, sun, hot, cold, mom, dad, my exs, men, women and everything so much that I sometimes want to scrap my skin, cut all my connection with my emotions, feelings, break all my bones, but nothing helps to ease this disgust.

You’ve never got tired from proving yourself how worthless you are. Whatever you do it’s never been enough, right? Money, fame, beauty, intelligence, success…nothing has ever been enough, right? Always, that voice calling you from somewhere…you are not worthy to be loved…you are worthless…And to prove yourself of this…the more you deny your pains…

I am tired of playing tag. I sometimes feel like a beggar, I am begging for something but don’t know what for. I need something really vital but it feels like what ever that is, it doesn’t exist…I am a tightrope walker between wanting to abandon everything to disappear and still to hold on…to something that I fail to destroy inside me which dominates me everyday…

witch burning

Don’t say a word I don’t want to hear your voice either. Pretentious words, analysis, synthesis and I don’t want to hear your loving words either. I don’t want to consult myself, I don’t want to be consulted either, arms wide open for me: go to hell all of you!

I want to be wasted, I don’t want to feel any pain, I want to possess, I want to be senseless. Just like the rest of the world rather then facing my pains, I want to deny all my pains and want to live in the arms of my hatred…

Do not say a word, I don’t want to hear anything…

man shouting at woman -- shaking finger

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photo Credits:

“Negative Emotions” ID 12373242 © Kheng Ho Toh | Dreamstime.com 

“Depicting Hell” ID 2749541 © Luisafonso | Dreamstime.com

“Panoramic Face of Malicious Man” ID 18101827 © Nomadsoul1 | Dreamstime.com 

“Witch Burning” ID 56566817 © Asmus Koefoed | Dreamstime.com 

“Domestic Violence” ID 17870929 © Ejwhite | Dreamstime.com

 

BLOG COMMENTS POWERED BY DISQUS

Jung for Laymen

Sign up via our free email subscription service to receive notifications when new information is available.